A large Texas cowboy was visiting Dublin and walked into one of the many typical Irish pubs. Being the loud rowdy type he bet the totally Irish patrons five hundred dollars that no one in the bar could down ten pints of Guiness without taking a break. All of the heavy drinking Irishmen hung their heads in shame except one small man who quitely got up and sneaked out the front door. After about fifteen minutes no one had taken the Texan up on his offer and he was ready to head for the next pub down the street when the small gentleman who had sneaked out earlier returned and sheepishly asked if the offer was still good. The rowdy cowboy said of course it is and the little Irishman easily downed the ten pints. The cowboy was good at his word and handed the man his five hundred dollars but then asked the Irishman where he had gone when he sneaked out the front door. Old Paddy responded "I went to the pub down the way to make sure that I could drink ten pints straight down before taking you up on your bet".

Paddy was driving down the street in a sweat because he had an important meeting and couldn't find a parking place. Looking up to heaven he said, 'Lord take pity on me. If you find me a parking place I will go to Mass every Sunday for the rest of me life and give up me Irish Whiskey!' Miraculously, a parking place appeared. Paddy looked up again and said, 'Never mind, I found one.'

The Irish Taxi Driver:
A British passenger in a taxi in Dublin leaned over to ask the driver a question and tapped him on the shoulder. The driver screamed, lost control of the cab, nearly hit a bus, drove up over the curb and stopped just inches from the edge of the bridge over the Liffey River. For a few moments everything was silent in the cab, and then the still-shaking driver said, “Be-Jesus, I’m sorry, but you scared the devil out of me.” The frightened Brit apologized to the driver and said he didn’t realize a mere tap on the shoulder could frighten an Irishman so much. The driver replied, “Will the saints in Heaven forgive me. It’s entirely my fault. Today is my first day driving a cab………… I’ve been driving a hearse for the last 25 years.”

An Irish woman walks into the downtown Dublin welfare office, trailed by 15 kids.

"WOW," the social worker exclaims, "are they all yours?"

"Saints be praised, yes, they are all mine," the flustered momma sighs,
having heard that question a thousand times before.

She says, "Sit down Paddy."
All the children rush to find seats.

"Well," says the social worker, "then you must be here to sign up.
I'll need all your children's names."

"Well, to keep it simple, the boys are all named Paddy and the girls
are all named Patty."

In disbelief, the case worker says, "You are serious, they are all named the same!"

Their momma replied, "Well, it makes it a lot easier.
When it's time to get them out of bed and ready for school, I yell, 'Paddy, and when it's time for dinner, I just yell 'Paddy!' and they all come a runnin like little wharf rats. And if I need to stop the wee one who's running into the street, I just yell 'Paddy' and all of them stop. It's the smartest idea I ever had, naming them all Paddy."

The social worker thinks this over for a bit, then wrinkles her forehead and says tentatively, "But what if you just want ONE kid to come, and not the whole bunch?"

"Then I call them by their last names."

A wee Belfast boy came home from school in tears.
'What's the matter, son?' asked his mammy.
'We were doing sums today, Mammy,' he said.
'And were they too hard?'
'Well, the teacher said either I couldn't count, or I was stupid, or all three.'

Wrong Place
A Belfast man was ashamed of his accent, and decided to go to elocution lessons in London.
Three years later he was speaking perfect BBC English, and he decided to return home and celebrate with a drink.
He caught the Shuttle to Belfast, got a taxi into the city and walked into the first establishment he came to.
'I say, old chap,' he said to the proprietor, 'perhaps you could furnish me with a large gin and tonic and one of your finest Havana cigars.'
'You're from around these parts, aren't you?' said the proprietor.
'Good grief,' said the stunned Belfast man. 'How did you know that?'
'Well, you see,' said the proprietor, 'this is a butcher's shop.'

Murphy lay in hospital covered in bandages head to foot - with just two little slits for his eyes.

'What happened to you?' asked his old drinking chum Cassidy.

'I staggered out of the pub and a lorry hit me a glancing blow and knocked me through a plate glass window.'

'Begod,' said Cassidy. 'It's a good job you were wearing those bandages or you'd have been cut to ribbons!'

Robotic Bar Man
A popular pub in Dublin has a new robotic barman installed.
A guy comes in for a drink and the robot asks him: "What's your IQ?"
The man replies: "130."
So the robot goes on to make conversation about physics, astronomy and so on.
The man listens intently and thinks: "This is really cool."
Another guy comes in for a drink and the robot asks him: "What's your IQ?"
The man response: "100." So the robot starts talking about TV, the weather and so on.
The man thinks to himself: "Wow, this is really cool."
A third guy comes into the bar. As with the others the robot asks him: "What's your IQ?"
The man replies: "80."
The robot says: "So, how are things in Belfast these days?"

whiskey
Two Irishmen, Patrick Murphy and Shawn O'Brian grew up together and were lifelong friends. But alas, Patrick developed cancer, and was dying. While on his deathbed, Patrick called to his buddy, Shawn, "O'Brian, come 'ere. I 'ave a request for ye." Shawn walked to his friend's bedside and kneels.

"Shawny ole boy, we've been friends all our lives, and now I'm leaving 'ere. I 'ave one last request fir ye to do."

O'Brian burst into tears, "Anything Patrick, anything ye wish. It's done."

"Well, under me bed is a box containing a bottle of the finest whiskey in all of Ireland. Bottled the year I was born it was. After I die, and they plant me in the ground, I want you to pour that fine whiskey over me grave so it might soak into me bones and I'll be able to enjoy it for all eternity."

O'Brian was overcome by the beauty and in the true Irish spirit of his friend's request, he asked, "Aye, tis a fine thing you ask of me, and I will pour the whiskey. But, might I strain it through me kidneys first?"

That's an Irishman for You


There was once an Irishman named Murphy who walked into an American Bar. He sat down and asked the Bartender "Give me three shots o' your finest Irish Whiskey!" the Bartender complies.

After about a week the bartender asks, "Murphy, would it be better for yeh if I put all three shots of Irish Whiskey into one glass?"

Murphy replied, "well no. See I have two other brothers back at home, Patrick and Owen, and everytime I come into a Pub or Bar I order a shot for each o' them so I can remember the good times."

Well, after another week of this routine, Murphy comes into the bar and only asks for two shots of Irish Whiskey. The bartender immediately says "Murphy, is everything ok? Did somethin' happen to one of your brothers?" "Oh no", Murphy said, "I just decided to quit drinkin!"

One night, Mrs Mcmillen answers the door to see her husbands best friend, Paddy, standing on the doorstep,
"Hello Paddy, but where is my husband, he went with you to the beer factory" Paddy shook his head
"Ah Mrs Mcmillen, there was a terrible accident at the beer factory, your husband fell into a vat of guinness stout and drowned" Mrs Mcmillen starts crying
"Oh don't tell me that, did he at least go quickly?" Paddy shakes his head
"Not really, he got out 3 times to pee"

You do realize that you're just begging for a leprechaun to pee in your Lucky Charms, right?

Speaking of peeing.

Shawn and Clancy, two Irish merchant marines, had the luck of the Irish and were the only two survivors to make it to a life boat when their ship sank in the mid-Atlantic. They had been adrift for several days when they saw a strange bottle floating by. Shawn reached for the bottle and when he barely had it aboard the tiny dinghy a genie appeared in a cloud of smoke. The genie proclaimed that unlike other Genie he only granted one wish. Without thinking Clancy blurted out "I wish the entire ocean were Guiness" and without hesitation the Genie was gone and the sea was a dark Guiness with foamy white caps. Shawn angrily looked at Clancy and said "Now see what ye have gone and done, we are going to have to pee in the boat".

One cold and wet Irish winter evening a priest and a nun were driving down the deserted back roads of County Cork when their rickety old car ran dry of petrol. Not knowing what they were going to do and certainly not dressed for spending a night in the cold damp weather they spied some faint lights in the distance. They walked the narrow country lane to the small farm cottage from where the lights originated. They knocked on the door and the grizzled old farmer answered and informed them that there was nothing else within miles but that they were welcome to stay with him. He showed them his only unused room which was small but contained a bed, chest of drawers, a sofa and that is about the extent of the furnishings. The priest thanked him for his kind offer and told him that the room was really wonderful. The weary priest told the nun that he would sleep on the sofa and that she could sleep in the bed. About an hour later the nun told the priest that she was cold. He got up, went to the chest of drawers and retrieved a blanket which he lovingly placed over the nun and then he laid back down. About thirty minutes or so later the nun told the priest that she was really, really cold so the priest got up once again, went to the chest of drawers and retrieved a blanket which he lovingly placed over the nun and then he laid back down. About fifteen later the nun told the priest "I am still very cold, do you think we could spend just this one night togethter as husband and wife" and the priest responded "Certainly, indeed my dear". About five minutes later the nun said "Well.......I'm still freezing". The priest responded "Well then lass get out of bed and get yer own blanket".